


Breathe

by XiroPaine



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Catastrophic Thinking, Dissociation, F/F, Intrusive Thoughts, Overthinking, POV Second Person, Self-Doubt, Self-Worth Issues, Spiraling Thoughts, Texting, Voicemail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2021-01-05 12:00:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21208178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XiroPaine/pseuds/XiroPaine
Summary: There’s a side of Tomoe that she doesn’t want the rest of the world to see, so she closes it in on herself. But would opening up help prove her doubts wrong?





	Breathe

It’s the sound of your ringtone going off that breaks you out of your self-induced dissociation. The obnoxious tune cutting through the delayed guitars and syncopated drums of the music that had been filling the silence of your room. What was it even? Noisecore? Math rock? Progressive? There’s too many music genres nowadays, it’s hard to tell when one ends and another begins. Your eyes refocus at the ceiling you’ve decided to zone out towards. Towards that annoying dip where the joist pushes against the drywall. Whoever built your house sure did get away with some lazy construction.

Your cell phone rings persistently and the more you try to ignore the bell-like synths and cheesy melodies, the more they bore into your mind—how it isn’t in time with the music already blasting in your room. You resort to desperately trying to get it to line up somehow with some overly technical polyrhythmic explanation in your head. Obviously, it doesn’t work. As if it would, but it still down right infuriates you for no good reason. 

You’re in no mood to talk to anyone right now, but declining the call as soon as it started ringing would only give away the fact you were avoiding people. Wait it out until it automatically dismisses the call. Make it seem like you’re busy doing something other than hiding in your room while numbing out your intrusive thoughts with obscure instrumental music and hiding away from the world.

As the call finally forwards to voicemail, you can’t help but wonder how the people you know would react to who you really were when tucked safely within these four walls you call a bedroom. It’s not that you try to be fake—if anything, you try to be unapologetically authentic in how you present yourself; but even then, it still doesn’t feel quite right. It’s probably just that you’re trying too hard. Are you really that desperate for validation? You’d like to think it isn’t the case, but then why else would you put everyone before yourself? You’re always trying to be the reliable one for everyone else, but fall short when it comes to your own needs. Sounds painfully hypocritical of yourself now that you think about it. Thinking is overwhelming.

The phone blares that annoying ringtone again. Did they not get the memo the first time? Maybe it’s important and you should pick it up. Hardly—it’s a Saturday afternoon. Who would really need you right now? Ako’s downstairs playing that online game of hers again, so it couldn’t be her. Though, you wouldn’t put it past Himari or Moca to bombard your phone with calls and messages. You feel horrible for avoiding your friends, but you just can’t get yourself to be present enough for them at this very moment. A sigh escapes your lips as you resolve to at least check in with them. Rolling to the edge of your bed, you reach for your phone that had somehow littered itself onto your floor. The call forwards to voicemail before you even get the chance to check the screen.

_2 Missed Calls: Kaoru_

Fuck. Good job forgetting about your girlfriend, Tomoe. What a champ; you are a true MVP.

You groan to yourself, knowing you’re better than to resort to ironic remarks. Sure, this whole dating thing is still a little new to you, but you know that doesn’t give you a free pass to ignore your girlfriend. You hate using your anxiety as an excuse for things. But it’s all so new, and as much as you like the Prince of Haneoka—and you really, really do—you can’t help but have your doubts. It’s not like you level up to the likes of Kaoru, so why—out of everyone in school—would she ask you out? You’re hardly the ideal candidate to fit into the shoes of one of her so-called “little kittens.” You’re outspoken, headstrong, stubborn... seriously, what’s so attractive about that?

_2 New Voicemails_

The notification taunts you. What could Kaoru want? It’s possible that she’s just bored and wants someone to talk to. Or that she could be curious at what you were up to. You know, typical girlfriend things. But maybe she’s already found you out in the mere two weeks you’ve been official. She could be worried about you, but you doubt it. You’re always careful not to let your problems leak through to other people, but especially not to Kaoru. She shouldn’t have to deal with your issues, and you don’t want to be a hassle. You’re supposed to be the chill and carefree Tomoe Udagawa; that’s the person Kaoru asked out and her having to deal with your crippling anxiety isn’t supposed to come as an add-on to that package.

You can’t take it anymore and unlock your phone. As the first message plays, you’re preoccupied with overanalyzing the forced princely sweetness of Kaoru’s tone of voice that you don’t get to process the words she actually said. You replay the voicemail from the very beginning.

_‘Good afternoon, my sweetest Tomoe. I surely hope you are having a pleasant weekend. I wanted to call you because I had the pleasure of running into our dearest friend Tsugumi at the cafe earlier and...ugh...no, this isn’t the right way to put this at all.... Um…’_

Yup, she’s totally found you out and wants to break up with you. It’s not like you can blame her for wanting an out, you wouldn’t deal with your problematic self either if you had the chance not to. The reality of an impending breakup stings regardless, and you’re not sure how you’ll take it once Kaoru says it outright. Besides, you haven’t been together for that long. Still, it’s been long enough that you can tell when she pumps up her sentences with flowery language to hide her own nervousness. You can’t help but relate, because you do a do a fairly similar thing yourself. The second voicemail is significantly longer in length and you brace yourself for the worst. That princely act of hers is absent this time around, but the overwhelming fear of being a bother to her evolves into an overflowing boatload of guilt as the voicemail goes on.

_‘Hey, Tomoe. I was just calling to, well… I just wanted to check up on you. I understand if you might be busy right now, or perhaps wish not to be disturbed, but... I have taken notice that you’ve been acting kind of… off lately. I was unsure what was going on, but I was nonetheless worried, and so I went to Tsugumi for some clarity on the matter. She said you sometimes close up when… well, when personal stuff arises. She didn’t quite go into detail… Ah, but I urge you not to fault Tsugumi for disclosing such private matters to me! It was out of my own volition that I sought her out. Tomoe, I… look, please don’t think I’m forcing you to speak out on it if you feel uncomfortable sharing but… uh, I don’t know where I’m going with this, really. I suppose what I am trying to convey is… is that… well, that I'm here for you for anything, with whatever it may be that bothers you. I know I may not know you as well or long as your friends from Afterglow, but know that I do deeply care for you and your well-being. I would not have asked you to be my girlfriend otherwise. And… as I have said prior, you need not push yourself to open up to me if you are not ready to do so. All I ask is... just to let me know that you are doing okay. Even a simple text message would suffice, so to quell my worry. I’ll… I’ll see you Monday, yeah Tomoe?’_

“Yeah…” You answer with a shaky sigh as you pull your phone away from your ear. You force yourself to repeat it out loud just to make it concrete. 

If you didn’t feel terrible before, then you definitely feel like absolute shit now. You have to take a moment to process everything that was just unloaded at you in little over a minute. You know you can’t hide away forever, because then people would notice something was wrong for certain. Even in the past week of trying to cover up your own tracks, it was enough to bring Kaoru to worry. Beautiful, handsome, magnificent Kaoru who shouldn’t have to be brought down with you by your self-pity. Would it really be fair to her if you were to open up your issues to her? Part of you says no, but another part begs you to reach out for help. You’ve done so a few times with Afterglow, and they’ve come to understand the deepest parts of you that even you have trouble wrapping your head around. They all have their own way of trying to help, but they’ve also learned when to leave you alone. Honestly, you’re eternally grateful for them. Shouldn’t that be the same with your girlfriend? 

Girlfriend. That’s the part that terrifies you. You’ve already come this far, and you got a really good thing going with Kaoru. You’d really like it to just keep rolling on the good side of things, but would opening up be the deal breaker for her? Kaoru could say she supports you now, but she doesn’t even know the extent of your problems yet. What if she runs for the hills once she realizes how problematic you can be? You’re scared of proving yourself right, but also of what entails if she were to prove your doubts wrong. Is that a risk worth taking? You’re not sure in the slightest, and the unknown that lies beyond reach immobilizes you.

A shrill ping from your phone startles you out of your spiraling thoughts once more. This time several text notifications from Tsugu fill up the phone screen. Seeing each message pop up under the last pains you even more knowing that you somehow managed to throw sweet ol’ Tsugu into this personal ugly mess of yours as well.

_New Message(s)_  
_Tsugumi [Today at 2:33pm]: Hey Tomoe-chan, I don’t know if Seta-senpai has contacted yet you or not, but she seemed really worried about you when I saw her earlier today. I didn’t want to speak for you, though, so I said she should ask you directly._  
_Tsugumi [Today at 2:33pm]: Maybe you should try talking to her. I’m sure she’ll be understanding about what you’re going through. If she doesn’t, we can send Moca-chan after her!_  
_Tsugumi [Today at 2:34pm]: But only if you’re feeling up for it, though! TBH I’m a little worried, too… but I don’t want to force you to do something you don’t feel comfortable with…!_  
_Tsugumi [Today at 2:35pm] She’s your girlfriend, you shouldn’t keep her in the dark about these kinds of things. You should be honest with her._  
_Tsugumi [Today at 2:35pm]: I know you can get through it! You always find a way to! I believe in you, Tomoe-chan!_

What did you do to ever deserve a friend like Tsugu? She is way too good for this world, much less for your sorry ass. But, maybe it’s also because of her that you strive to do your best as well. Tsugu is quite an inspiration in that regard—maybe that’s what makes her so “tsuguriffic.” 

You continue to fidget with your phone, spinning it in your hands as you steel your resolve to confront Kaoru. It’s not something you really want to do, but you manage to convince yourself that if not for you, then to do it for the other people in your life. For people like Tsugu, and most importantly, for Kaoru—she especially should have the right to know. If Kaoru was willing to be with you voluntarily, then she should at the very least know exactly what she’s getting into. The last thing you want is to lie to your own girlfriend. 

With bated breath, you press the call button next to Kaoru’s name on your phone. As the phone rings in your ear, you exhale deeply. You’re still a little shaky from the anxious nerves, but your breaths are slightly calmer than earlier today. You have to close your eyes when you hear Kaoru’s voice when she answers, hoping you can find your voice from within the darkness.

“Hey, Kaoru. I need to… could you... look, please just be patient with me, but… Can I tell you something important?”


End file.
